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HISTORY OF THIS HOLIDAY (AS RECORDED BY HISTORIAN QUARREL)
My research in the land of Itonian revealed the story
behind Squash the Spirit Day - coincidentally just after Lord Hogfish
recovered Squash the Spirit Day from the amidst the mists of time
where it had long lay hidden… But to start the story:
Wherever there are groups of people gathered, for whatever
reason, there will often be a pervading sense of community, even if
the people are only gathered to argue with each other. When people
gather to celebrate a festive occasion there will often be a spirit
of celebration or excitement in the air. It gives the occasion that
special "something". Sometimes people will try to encourage a "team
spirit" or a "school spirit" and thus create an artificial spirit
through the threat of detention for non-participation.
Most people have heard of that sort of thing. The Itonians
had such "spirits" too, only rather more literally.
As everyone knows, the Religion of IT has plenty of
holidays. And where there's a good time there's the "spirit" that
surrounds such occasions. In Itonia, the "spirits" of the various
holiday celebrations tended to manifest in solid form and then hang
around for the rest of the year. When someone got a group of people
together in a "team spirit" the team spirit would hang around uninvited
and offer useful (and annoyingly correct) advice.
The spirits refused to go away after their spirit occasion
was over. They stayed and eventually organized themselves into a "spirited"
union with set rates of pay, work hours and spirit compensation. If
their terms were not met, they would strike - and you can have a religious
holiday without the proper spirit.
Things came to a head after what is recorded as "The
Year Of No Holidays" - a terrible time in which everyone had to keep
working because no celebrations could be had due to spirit strikes.
But it was not until February the next year that a solution was found.
On February 14, Skute was feeling pretty miserable.
It was Valentine's Day and he'd just received a card with a road sign
on it which read: "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU." Needless
to say, he wasn't impressed. Later, while on his way to do some serious
sorrow drowning, Skute was accosted by the spirit for Valentine's
Day. After a full five minutes of listening to how he should brighten
up and buy some roses, Skute was so ticked off that he jumped on the
spirit, squashing it into a small, dispirited patch on the ground.
To his astonishment, the spirit did not get up again, but simply evaporated.
From that day forth, February 14 was known as Squash
the Spirit Day. On that day, Itonians would go around squashing all
the spirits which had built up from the past year. This new ritual
soon squashed the spirit union and the Itonians were able to have
their holidays back again.
TRADITIONAL CELEBRATION METHOD OF THIS DAY (AS
RESEARCHED BY HISTORIAN QUARREL)
Well, obviously, you have to squash as many spirits as possible.
You can first capture the spirits in old cardboard boxes and then
jump on them until flat. Or, for those that like popping that bubble
wrap stuff, use that, but be sure to find spirits small enough to
fit in the bubbles. Of course, you can just walk around all day stamping
your feet whenever you feel like it. Be sure to explain to people
that you're squashing spirits and doing a service to the community.
To properly squash spirits you'll need to have appropriate footwear
- boots for preference. The more colourful the better because it draws
attention to your feet and so highlights the main activity of this
day: walking around and stamping or jumping on spirits.
- Look out for 'A Guide To Spirit Spotting" - coming
soon to a SToTM near you.
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