|
HISTORY OF THIS HOLIDAY (AS RESEARCHED BY HISTORIAN
QUARREL)
Every civilization has trouble with pirates and would
be invaders at some stage in its history, and the Itonian civilization
was no exception to this historical norm. Of course, most civilizations
find a way around the problem - the Romans had Pompey; the Incas had
- never mind, bad example; and the British simply put Sir Francis
Drake on the payroll and gave him a knighthood. The Itonians found
a novel way of dealing with a set of pirates, and this is the story
behind Pirate Day.
The land of Itonia had a coastline, but only because
they were in fashion at the time. Coastlines may be fashionable, but
they can also be welcome mats for pirates and invaders. The Itonians
had had a problem with pirates for some time. However, after the invention
of sock-scented figureheads for Itonian boats , the pirate problem
seemed to have been sorted (fairly self-explanatory; the Itonian sailors
wore nose pegs, the boats smelt terrible and the pirates gave them
a clear berth). But time proved this assumption to be wrong. After
a long season of no success, the pirates had decided that a full frontal
attack on the Itonian coastline was the only way they could save face.
The pirates made their first invasion attempt under
the cover of darkness thinking that this would give them an advantage.
It didn't. Trying to storm a beach at night is hard enough. Trying
to storm a beach on a particularly cloudy night without any light
source (because no one has any matches) harder still. But throw in
the large, bad-tempered, nocturnal species of crab which inhabits
Itonian beaches and you will be able to understand why these would
be invaders couldn't get off the beach fast enough.
Naturally, it was several weeks before the pirates got
up the courage for a second invasion attempt.
This second attempt (this time in daylight), while not
totally successful, did result in the pirates gaining a foothold on
the land of Itonia. This battle had gone ill for the Itonians because
while using their new, adapted sock-scented shields, the Itonians
had run into technical difficulties - the wind changed direction and
blew against them. The pirates had then seized the opportunity and
a sizable piece of the beach.
That night, as the pirates sat around drinking rum and
congratulating themselves, the Itonians worriedly discussed their
options. In the end it was Shaun, a student of history at the Itonian
university, who came up with the idea of the gift squash. Basically,
Shaun's idea involved the Itonians building a very large hollow wooden
squash and leaving it outside the pirates' camp. (And for those of
you who are smirking away because you think you know what's going
to happen next, just wait and see).
Lacking any better ideas, the Itonians worked all night
and all day (while the pirates were hungover) to build the gift squash.
Finally it was finished and they left it outside the pirates' camp.
Then they found some suitable hiding spots and waited.
Having a basic knowledge of history, the pirates thought
they knew what the gift squash was all about. They figured that it
was full of Itonians and that the idea was for the pirates to take
the squash into their camp, were the Itonians inside the squash would
sabotage their camp and pinch all their rum. After patting themselves
on the backs for this piece of thinking, the pirates, determined not
to be caught out, decided to look inside the squash.
One of them opened a door at the side and looked in.
And stared in disbelief. Then he climbed in. He was followed by another
pirate, and another, some following out of curiosity, some out of
the fact that those already inside the squash seemed to be having
a good time. Soon all the pirates were inside the squash, which had
been filled not with Itonians, but with barrels of rum.
Naturally, the Itonians waited until all the pirates
were inebriated and inside the squash. Then they locked the door and
punched a few air-holes in the top. Once the pirates were sober and
had figured out what had happened, they realised that they had no
option but to comply with the Itonians' ultimatum - either get lost
quick smart or join the Religion of IT and live peacefully in Itonia.
TRADITIONAL CELEBRATION METHOD OF THIS DAY (AS RESEARCHED BY
LORD HOGFISH AND HISTORIAN QUARREL)
Pirate Day was created in memory of this event in Itonian history.
It's a good day to dress up in Pirate costumes, sing any pirate songs
that come to mind, and generally have a good time. Dressing up, singing
and acting like pirates comes from an older tradition of acting out
the Itonian victory. Teams would represent the pirates and the Itonians
and would stage a mock battle with each other - with the Itonians
defending the beach and the pirates trying to win it. However, lacking
a beach to fight over, it is permissible for the two teams to fight
over something as commonplace as a sandpit.
Also, pillaged songs are sung, such as "A Pirate I Was Meant to Be"
(stolen from The Curse of Monkey Island) and "The Pirates Who Don't
Do Anything" (stolen from somewhere) as well as any other sea shanty
that takes your fancy.
BACK TO THE HOLIDAYS PAGE
|
