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HISTORY OF THIS HOLIDAY (AS RESEARCHED BY HISTORIAN
QUARREL)
Barney, as the Itonians knew him, wasn't actually a
purple dinosaur. He was a shape-shifting creature who could assume
an infinite range of disguises. Barney the shape-shifter was in the
employ of (mood music please) the god WHAT, sworn enemy of our deity,
IT.
While the Festival of IT is celebrated in the first
week of October, preparations for the festival celebrations generally
begin around the end of July. In ancient Itonia, the Festival of IT
was the most lavish holiday celebration and this is the reason preparations
began so early. Barney's mission from WHAT was to sabotage the preparations
for the Festival of IT.
To read more about the Festival itself, you will have
to read the relevant history. For now, I can reveal that a main part
of the Festival involves sacred chocolate squashes. Barney's plan
was to steal the chocolate for the chocolate squashes and thus destroy
the Festival.
Okay, background over. This is the story…
Using his shape-shifting abilities, Barney successfully
stole the sacred chocolate. He hid this converted confectionary in
the ruins of a temple devoted to the god HUH? deep in the forests
of Itonia. This devious act took place on the 18th of July, two days
before the Invisible Acolytes were to direct the shaping of the sacred
chocolate.
On the 20th of July, the disappearance of the chocolate
was discovered. Shock and despair ran through Itonia. The Itonians
up turned every rock, tree and bathroom in their search, but it was
all to no avail. Barney, disguised as an Itonian novice, pretended
to aid the other Itonians in their search.
For four days the Itonians had no success. Then, on
the night 25th of July, Dimity Baint, an Itonian novice, was sneaking
back from an unsuccessful raid on the kitchens of the Itonian seminary
when he saw a shadowy figure walking towards the forest. Having nothing
better to do, Dimity followed the figure. Of course, the shadowy figure
was Barney and he was visiting his stolen chocolate stash.
Dimity alerted the other Itonians, but in the darkness
Barney avoided capture. It was not until the next day, the 26th of
July, that Dimity and the other Itonians managed to defeat Barney's
dastardly scheme.
In the end, most of the sacred chocolate was recovered.
Barney was banished from Itonia forever (he later turned up on Earth
as a purple dinosaur and was given his own TV show because channel
Nine employ ANYONE). Dimity Baint, the hero of the hour, was cannonised
by IT for saving the preparations for the Festival of IT. The day
was declared a holiday to commemorate both the resourcefulness of
Dimity and the triumph of the Itonians (and because Itonians never
pass up the opportunity for having a holiday).
TRADITIONAL CELEBRATION METHOD OF THIS DAY (AS
RESEARCHED BY HISTORIAN QUARREL)
Most people will now be wondering how the Itonians came to defeat
Barney on that fateful 26th of July. Well, as was mentioned before,
Barney had changed shape and managed to elude capture on the night
of the 25th. The Itonians spent the morning looking for him and by
lunchtime they were getting both desperate and hungry. The searchers
took a break to have lunch, and it was while they were eating lunch
that Dimity once more spotted Barney.
It turned out that Barney had spent the night hiding in the ruined
temple of HUH?. He'd been eating the sacred chocolate and as a result
he had chocolate marks around his mouth. The chocolate marks were
the reason for Dimity finding Barney. After all, how many lawn sprinklers
do you know who eat chocolate?
In order to make sure that Barney didn't get away, Dimity picked
up a bowl of chocolate mousse from the table and threw it at the sprinkler.
The other Itonians turned to see what Dimity had done with their chocolate
mousse and saw Barney shape-shift into a shopping trolley and try
to escape. Unfortunately, shopping trolleys never have good steering
capabilities and so the Itonians easily caught Barney.
Celebration for this day was traditionally in the form of a play.
This play depicted the events of the nine day drama - from the 18th
of July and the stealing of the chocolate to the 26th of July and
the defeat of Barney. At one time in Itonian history the days of searching
were replaced by a symbolic treasure hunt in which Itonians would
look for hidden chocolates. In earlier times, the play was performed
over a nine day period as part of the preparations for the Festival
of IT. The nine day play would culminate in a huge feast at which
there would inevitably be a food fight.
Itonian sources refer to the existence of a script for the nine day
play. However, the whereabouts of this script are still unknown.
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